My Predictions for 2009

I predict not one, but two, neologisms will be invented when Climate Change proves woefully idiotic (following Global Warming). Both revisions will scurry to incorporate the striking stability discovered in overall climate, as "more incontrovertible proof" of man's disastrous effect on our environment. Al Gore will continue to personally rake in a percentage of all CO² taxes, and his PR firm will acquire Discovery Channel, claiming a mandate to "save it from corporate corruption."

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Anti-WTO and Greenpeace protesters will ramp up their offensives globally, shrieking that the "fascist libertarian" Obama "isn't doing enough" to keep other cultures shielded from the economic development that corrupts the capitalist West. They will increasingly adopt the tactics of terrorism, until at the end of the year their plan to blow up a nuclear power plant in upstate NY is foiled by internal disputes over the fate of the surrounding flora and fauna.

A cure for AIDS will not be found, but cutting-edge evolutionary medicine will perfect a cure for allergies based, strangely enough, on homeopathic principles. Breast cancer will be curbed dramatically by innovative detection techniques, while the ensuing vacuum of a reason to walk/run will force obesity to rise among women aged 17-35. They will be forced into poverty by new, local obesity taxes.

The theory of evolution itself will enjoy a vastly resurgent acceptance, and "America's Fittest Family" will become the #1 prime-time reality game show. In academia, critical theorists and policy makers will hope that this is their chance to push through "Eugenics, Version 2.0"

Michael Jackson will make a bizarre and brief comeback with a hit song with cryptic lyrics about "belugas closing their stuffed hands around Sri Lanka." His sole televised performance will occur aboard Virgin Galactic, where he will appear in blackface with an audience of various toddler-sized dolls. As his zero-gravity encore, he will strap 400 lbs. of explosives to his crotch and sniffle something vaguely to the effect of "this planet wasn't meant for all my beauteous starry love."

The Russian military, facing the public relations nightmare of failing to annex an unfortified Crimea and Azerbaijan, will turn against Putin and install a temporary military regime until transitioning toward real democracy, led by its newly elected Siberian minority leader.

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My Predictions for 2009